When I was 15 and started my behind-the-wheel training, my instructor spotted something right away that needed to be corrected in my driving.
"Um, you need to look a little further ahead than just the 3 inches in front of the car."
He could see I was intensely focused on staying between the lines--watching closely the road that was disappearing under the front of my car. "Don't do that," he said. "Odd as it may sound, you'll be a much safer driver if you don't even look at the road. Just look out that way," he said, motioning out toward nothing specific--just the landscape in front of me.
"You could actually get into a lot of trouble if all you do is focus on what's right in front of you. You need to look down the road when you drive."
Making decisions, calling shots, and spending time based on a few inches right in front of us will not lead us where we want to go. In these minutes and hours right in front of me I want to see what's new on Facebook, sleep in, and put my feet up. I want to eat what I want to eat and dwell on what I want to dwell on. I do not really get time to myself, so I want a break badly enough to steal the wrong kinds. I want to check out mentally, I want to unplug.
But none of that will take me where I want to go. I want time with God and a heart filled with the Word I've hidden away in it. I want a husband who knows he has my undivided heart and attention. I want children who know I want them in my lap rather than my computer. And rather than holding my Blackberry, I want their hands in mine. I want an organized house that is a delight for family and friends to walk into. I want a healthy body and many days to make an impact. I want balance. Basically, I desperately want Kingdom stuff.
There are just too many discrepancies between those last two paragraphs I just wrote. I say I want to be one place, but I am headed in an entirely different direction than I actually want to be. I used to be a lot better at focusing on what matters. But lately, I haven't. I'm not plunking down on the floor and playing with the kids as much as I used to. I'm on the computer in the evenings when I should be available to unwind with Justin. Honestly, I do need a break. Some time away from my all-over-the-place schedule, and my attempts to get little mental breaks in the middle of it all just to try to survive. I wonder what things would look like if I wasn't so...fragmented.
I want to know badly enough to try and find out.