I have only cried very, very hard three times in my adult life.
I cried very, very hard the night before my maternity leave ended. I put Trevor in his crib and then climbed into bed beside Justin and absolutely fell the heck apart. Something felt very, very not right about not being home with Trevor. I worked from January 2nd until May 28th, and when that school year's contract was up, I never went back. Furthermore, I never even looked back.
I cried very, very hard a month after my miscarriage. I had to be at a writing conference only days after it happened, and when I returned I was working on a book proposal for a few weeks. I was too busy to really, totally fall apart. But about a month later when life had subsided, I went ahead and fell the heck apart.
I cried very, very hard tonight. I don't want to say why, but I will. In the past two or three weeks, I have heard way, way too many stories of people losing their children. It is probably the single biggest reason I'm fine with two kids instead of three. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to try to have another and have it not go well, or to lose a child. I really feel I would die for Trevor or Aila, and I cannot imagine being able to breathe, should anything happen to either one of them. And hearing one terrible story of loss after another lately has sent me into a fear that has taken hold of my heart. What would happen if something happened?
I wouldn't have their hands to hold or someone to buckle into a carseat. I wouldn't have them to rock to sleep at night or to greet me with sleepy eyes and sweet smiles in the morning.
And that alone would rend my heart.
But the greater loss would be that I wouldn't hear their tiny voices singing worship, or their precious mouths recounting truth from their Bible stories. I wouldn't see them grow to stand for Jesus in their schools, or to marry someone who has prayed for a Godly spouse. I wouldn't see them speak the mighty Word of God over their own children.
And so I cried (and cried out) tonight, begging the Lord that He will preserve their lives THAT HE MIGHT CONSECRATE THEM FOR HIS PURPOSES and CONTINUE TO PASS DOWN TRUTH TO THE NEXT GENERATIONS. Yes, absolutely, I want them now. I want them for me and for Justin to have and to wrap up in our arms and love on, to bring up and guide. BUT I WANT THEM FOR THIS WORLD. I WANT THEM FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
I WANT HIM TO GRANT THEM MANY DAYS IN WHICH TO DISPLAY HIS SPLENDOR. And so I asked the Lord for this very thing.
I'm at She Speaks right now. I'm supposed to be in the evening session, but God got my attention and got me alone. It was right where I was meant to be tonight.
So I've cried very, very hard three times in my adult life. And each time my tears were spilled for one of my children. Lord, I will do all that I can possibly do to declare your truth over Trevor and over Aila. I will tell them about You, but more than that I will try to show them You. I will pray for them and help them hide Your Word away in their hearts. Please, please preserve their lives for Your purposes--I am desperate to see them makes dents in this world for Your glory.