WHY I RUN

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free."

Psalm 119:32

I don't walk on eggshells.

I don't cling to the fence when a playground awaits.

I don't drag around fetters or chains.

I don't collapse under condemnation.

I don't tiptoe in fear.

I RUN within the safety of Your commands. For You, precious Lord, have released my heart from all things, but bound my wandering heart to You!

CONFIDENCE IN A CROSSWALK

I nearly hit someone with my car tonight.

I was driving down Main Street near Swift-Cantrell Park when a man stepped right into the road--in a 40 mile an hour zone! It was really odd because there's this random crosswalk right in the middle of a really busy street--no intersection anywhere around. Quite strange that it's even there. And even though I am supposed to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk, I still thought it was pretty bold of him to step out in front of my car, fully trusting the power of the crosswalk to keep him safe.

Aren't there times in our lives when we unwisely venture out into dangerous situations, presumptuously trusting that the Lord will not allow any harm or consequence to come our way? Have we treated Him like He's our own personal safety net whose sole purpose is to run around bailing us out?

Look, I absolutely know the Lord as my Protector and the One who has spared me of some of what I wanted.

Some--not all.

He is merciful and gracious--slow to anger, and abounding in love. But it also says in the Word that He turned people over to what they wanted, even when He initially tried to protect them from it, because their hearts were so bent on pursuing what they wanted. And in turning them over, He allowed the consequences to come as well. Psalm 81:11-12: "But my people would not listen to me; Israel would not submit to me. So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices." And I'm sure some were surprised when they came face to face with the "oncoming car" of consequence.

I've seen people charge their way into a pit of debt as fast as they're asking the Lord to keep digging them out of it, only to wonder what happened when it caught up with them.

I've listened to people lament their marriage troubles after saying "I do" to an unbeliever.

I've known people who danced on the line of infidelity, only to be shocked when the slightest nudge actually pushed them over that line.

I've seen people tear others down mercilessly, only to be incredulous when they're held to the same rigid standards.

Would I step out into 40-mile an hour traffic simply because of a few lines painted on the street? Um, no. I wouldn't assume the driver would stop for me enough to put my confidence in a crosswalk.

But have I put my trust in my own desires, and assumed that the Lord would spare me of any repercussions?

Hm. That's a different story.

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely is kept safe."

Proverbs 28:26

EVIDENCE OF WHERE I'VE BEEN

Today I was at the store with the kids when a woman and two young boys went past us. "Those are my friends!" Trevor insisted. But I'd never seen them before. A few aisles over, we saw them again and the mother said, "My boys are convinced they know your son." And then she said, "You go to Gold's Gym a lot, right?"

(Take a moment and laugh out loud. I know I almost did.)

Turns out our boys go to the same school, but I could not help being amused that she thought I might frequent the gym. After all, I wish I could say I'm rockin' the evidence of being a gym-going-girl in the form of 36-24-36 measurements, but I am SO not. I've got jiggle in my jello. And (most days) I'm okay with that.

But it made me wonder if I wear the evidence of where I've been. I don't have a tush you could bounce quarters off of, but then again, I haven't been in a gym in a few years. But do I hope there's evidence of sitting at the feet of Jesus? Absolutely.

I hope I wear grace and mercy. I hope there's evidence of love and self-control. And I wouldn't mind rockin' some patience and assurance in Him.

"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works

and praise your Father in Heaven."

Matthew 5:16

Based on the evidence...where will people assume you've been?

COOLING OFF

I plan to buy stock in Quaker Oatmeal. My kids would eat it morning, noon and night, if I'd let them. I've made that stuff 6 times this week alone.

I make a big batch, then I scoop a big spoonful into a bowl for Trevor, and then for Aila. I find that the oatmeal begins to cool off much more quickly when it's removed from the pot, and then it's ready to eat a lot sooner.

In my life I've found that when I've been in fellowship with other followers of Christ, I've been more on fire for him. It's almost contagious. But in seasons when I've withdrawn, or removed myself from the pot, so to speak, it's amazing how quickly the cooling off happens.

"Let us consider how we may spur one another on to love and good deeds. And let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the day approaching."

Hebrews 10:24-25

Are you staying connected? Or have you been isolating yourself...and cooling off?

THEY HEARD ONE BUT BELIEVED ANOTHER

How would you feel if you spoke and spoke, and those listening to you ended up believing someone else?

I'd think things were exactly as they should be. :)

I was reading in Jonah (which is so much more than "big-fish-swallows-disobedient-man-and-then-spews-him-onto-a-beach-three-days-later," by the way) and found this very scenario.

So in chapter 3 when Jonah finally went to Nineveh (where he should have gone in the first place), he proclaimed the impending doom of their city. So JONAH SPOKE (and oh, I love the next words!!)--

and THE NINEVITES BELIEVED GOD.

I read that over and over. The Ninevites believed GOD! Not Jonah, even though he was the mouthpiece. They believed God.

And they responded. The king got up off his throne and removed his royal robes--in essence, stripping himself of anything regal to humble himself before a God he and his people had offended. And then he declared that everyone should "call urgently on God" (v. 8) and break from their evil ways.

A messenger spoke the word. And they believed God.

Then they responded.

Lord, this gave me so much joy to read this morning. Thank You! I'm praying this for the upcoming Kickoffs. You've put these words on my heart not so that I will be heard BUT THAT YOU WILL BE BELIEVED on the matter. I don't need anyone to be convinced of what I have to say but of what You desire for them. Please, use the message to compel women to life change because they have believed You have spoken to them. I pray women will respond to YOU and begin consistently meeting with You, simply because they are fully persuaded that it's what YOU long for them. Let life change flow out of what they know You have spoken.

NOT YET REDEEMED

Ever been in a season in which, as tough as it is, you're still able to say
"I trust He can redeem this, and I can't wait to see how"?


A few weeks ago I found myself praying the words "Redeem this. Redeem this. Redeem this, Lord."


And I realized that being in this pre-redemption phase is a little like having a winning lottery ticket on your kitchen table that just hasn't been redeemed yet. You know it will be worth something of great worth one day. But in the meantime, you don't have much to show for the treasure that awaits.


And so maybe it's about choosing to look at our pre-redeemed situation as that unredeemed lottery ticket--something that will really be worth something day.


And when it is, we'll give glory and thanks...to the Redeemer.

ONLY THREE TIMES

Until today it was only twice...but tonight it's three times.

I have only cried very, very hard three times in my adult life.

I cried very, very hard the night before my maternity leave ended. I put Trevor in his crib and then climbed into bed beside Justin and absolutely fell the heck apart. Something felt very, very not right about not being home with Trevor. I worked from January 2nd until May 28th, and when that school year's contract was up, I never went back. Furthermore, I never even looked back.

I cried very, very hard a month after my miscarriage. I had to be at a writing conference only days after it happened, and when I returned I was working on a book proposal for a few weeks. I was too busy to really, totally fall apart. But about a month later when life had subsided, I went ahead and fell the heck apart.

I cried very, very hard tonight. I don't want to say why, but I will. In the past two or three weeks, I have heard way, way too many stories of people losing their children. It is probably the single biggest reason I'm fine with two kids instead of three. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to try to have another and have it not go well, or to lose a child. I really feel I would die for Trevor or Aila, and I cannot imagine being able to breathe, should anything happen to either one of them. And hearing one terrible story of loss after another lately has sent me into a fear that has taken hold of my heart. What would happen if something happened?

I wouldn't have their hands to hold or someone to buckle into a carseat. I wouldn't have them to rock to sleep at night or to greet me with sleepy eyes and sweet smiles in the morning.

And that alone would rend my heart.

But the greater loss would be that I wouldn't hear their tiny voices singing worship, or their precious mouths recounting truth from their Bible stories. I wouldn't see them grow to stand for Jesus in their schools, or to marry someone who has prayed for a Godly spouse. I wouldn't see them speak the mighty Word of God over their own children.

And so I cried (and cried out) tonight, begging the Lord that He will preserve their lives THAT HE MIGHT CONSECRATE THEM FOR HIS PURPOSES and CONTINUE TO PASS DOWN TRUTH TO THE NEXT GENERATIONS. Yes, absolutely, I want them now. I want them for me and for Justin to have and to wrap up in our arms and love on, to bring up and guide. BUT I WANT THEM FOR THIS WORLD. I WANT THEM FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.

I WANT HIM TO GRANT THEM MANY DAYS IN WHICH TO DISPLAY HIS SPLENDOR. And so I asked the Lord for this very thing.

I'm at She Speaks right now. I'm supposed to be in the evening session, but God got my attention and got me alone. It was right where I was meant to be tonight.

So I've cried very, very hard three times in my adult life. And each time my tears were spilled for one of my children. Lord, I will do all that I can possibly do to declare your truth over Trevor and over Aila. I will tell them about You, but more than that I will try to show them You. I will pray for them and help them hide Your Word away in their hearts. Please, please preserve their lives for Your purposes--I am desperate to see them makes dents in this world for Your glory.

SHE SPEAKS 2010

It's here--I can't believe it's here!!!

Tomorrow we'll hit the road, North Carolina-bound. Nearly 600 women will gather to experience GOD. As well as to taste and see what He is up to in the way of unfolding Proverbs 31:26 in each of our lives:

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."

Just like last year, things have come together in a relying-on-God kind of way. While proctoring back in May I wrote both my 3-minute testimony and my 5-minute Biblical teaching, but in each one there was something that just didn't feel like the right phrasing, or something. A few nights ago I finally had to highlight those sections of text on my computer and just PRAY and say, "Okay, Lord. Once again I'm asking for You to provide the words. I am trusting You for what needs to be right here." And a few hours later, He made a way. Just as He always does. What an awesome, awesome God.

Many thanks for the love, prayer, and provision that has paved the way for me to go this year. Please join me in praying over the next few days:

* Pray for safe travel to and from the conference.

* Pray for Justin, Trevor and Aila while I'm away.

* Pray for lots of time to just sit at His feet with no other agenda or request but to know Him and experience Him in a new way.

* Pray for peace during the Speaker Evaluation sessions.

* Pray for my friends Jodi and Rae who will be attending as well, that they may experience His presence in a powerful and peaceful way, and for their families at home as well. Pray for us as a podcast team as we prepare for all that is to come.

* Pray for the seminars and sessions to be used mightily.

* Pray for fun, for laughter, for rest, for renewal!

Back in a few days!

Fever

Little Ailey has had a fever.

When the kids run a temperature, we don't reach for the Tylenol right away--and sometimes not at all. We know the entire purpose of a fever is to burn off any bugs their bodies are trying to fight off, and that reducing the fever works against their bodies trying to do so.

Sure, as a mom it seems logical to do whatever I can to remedy what ails my child. Unless I know that trying to fix it might actually interfere with her restoration to health. And besides, when her body has had to work to fight something off, it actually grows stronger.

It's the same idea as the refining fire. No one would invite adversity and hardship. But when they come, our God is so faithful to use them to accomplish His purposes. Even if they must remain for awhile to burn off what shouldn't be there, and to reveal what should be.

Three different times I begged for the Lord to take away the thorn in my flesh. But each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power is made perfect in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can rest on me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, and persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12

The Sweetest Sleepless Night

We were away at a retreat center this weekend, and there were two queen beds in the room. I'd planned for the kids to share one while I slept in the other, but I realized quickly that they would NEVER get to sleep if I didn't separate them (hard for them to fall asleep while they were kicking each other and giggling incessantly), so I tucked them in, one in each of the beds.

Each of them asked me to sleep in their bed with them, so I went back and forth throughout the night. I had trouble getting to sleep in the first place, so I spent some time praying over one child, and then the other. And then once I was asleep, someone called our room in the middle of the night (wrong number), and that meant a few more sleepless hours--but a few more prayerful hours.

There was something powerful about putting my hand on my son's shoulder and praying that he will not carry burdens he was never meant to bear, but that He will walk in the habit of trading yokes with His Savior whose burden is easy and light. Or even to put my hand on my daughter's head to pray over her mind--the way she thinks about things, the way her mind perceives truth, and the hope that she will commit to her memory the Word of God.

I'm a little drowsy today, but I'll never forget those sweet hours. Definitely worth the sleepless night.

One Step at a Time

July has been full. Really full. Like, "starting-at-day-one-and-never-letting-up" kind of full.

I've found myself tackling the calendar one little step at a time. Perhaps out of sheer necessity, I am focusing on what is RIGHT in front of me and putting on hold the things that are a few weeks out. Or even one week out, for that matter.

Why don't I do this more often? Sometimes I wonder if Matthew 6:25-34 was included in the Bible just for me since I need the reminder so much. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I find myself worrying in August about things that will happen in October. I get stressed about when my children will be 5 and 7 even now when they're only 2 and 4. I lose sleep over things way too far down the road.

Let me be faithful today. Let me tackle--with excellence--what's on the plate for this day. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, so strengthen me not to worry away the day we're actually on.

And She Withdrew

Recently I had the rare opportunity to be alone for a stretch of time. I had three days alone. Three days with just me in the house.

The first day I dedicated to be a day of total silence and solitude. I saw nobody. I communicated with nobody. On purpose. Sure, I was reachable in case of emergencies. But there was no TV, no computer, no radio, no phone.

Total silence.

Total solitude.

It was extremely refreshing for my soul. I got to spend hours in the Word. I got to have long, uninterrupted conversations with God.

Back in 1997 I read a book that encouraged the occasional retreat spent in silence and solitude to spend fully focused on our time with the Lord. I remember that my pastor out in California took one night a year to go away to be alone with the Lord. And maybe it's the introvert in me, but I have always wanted to do it. I don't know why I didn't do it before I was married with children, and then once I was, I assumed I probably would never have the chance. But just when it was so needed, God made a way for it. And it was the sweetest time.

I won't lie, I felt like I was missing my arms not having my family home with me. I missed them so much. And the silence was so unfamiliar that it was, for the first hour, a little strange. But it was a really important, really necessary time. And what was supposed to be two days had to turn into three days, due to severe weather conditions. But even in my disappointment in not getting to see my family when I thought I would get to, I decided to just soak up one more day. And then when we were reunited, it was the most precious moment. :)

Lord, thank You for that sweet time with You. Thank You for making a way for it to be--for knowing that need, and the longing of my heart to have that time with You. And thank You that my day to day life isn't silent, but is filled with sounds that I love--like when Justin walks through the front door, and when Aila sings, and when Trevor makes "vroom"ing sounds as he plays with his cars. You've been so merciful and good to us, Lord. Thank You for the time alone, but thank You for the reunion, too. And thank You for loving on me not only in the quiet, but also in the smack dab middle of the craziness and chaos.

Dependence Day

Yesterday was the 4th of July. And yet I spent the whole day declaring my dependence. I simply found myself telling the Lord--repeatedly--how much I need Him.

I'm not independent. I need my God. As a baby in a womb is totally reliant on the sustenance it receives from its mother through the umbilical cord, I am utterly dependent on Him.

I need His peace in parenting.
I have to have His wisdom in ministry.
I am desperate for His love.
I crave His counsel in my decisions.

It's always the case...but I have just been extra mindful of it lately.

And it seems this awareness is born from need...Even soul-rendering need. Not always a comfortable place to be. But really, what a gift to find yourself in a place where you've run out of yourself...

...and there's nothing left but a declaration of dependence.

Leaving the Water Unbroken

During our time in New Hampshire, I was introduced to a really cool insect--the water strider. They look like they're ice skating across the water, because they're so light that they skim across the water, leaving it totally undisturbed. These little creatures never break the surface of the water.

The more I thought about those water striders, the more I realized just how UNLIKE them I want to be (as amazing as they are). I suppose there are people who are content to go through life and come out on the other side having basically been a good person, surrounded by family and friends, maybe even having a comfortable home and an inheritance for their children. Basically an undisturbing life.

Not me.

Oh, it used to be me. And I still have my "water strider moments" when I shrink back in fear. By nature I do NOT like to stir the pot. I relish a simple, quiet life.

And a life of ministry can be messy and challenging. But I'm also finding it to be covered with the grit of God's glory, and -- consequently -- totally worth it.

On the "About Me" section of this blog it says, "We are committed to walking through this life in a way that brings glory to our awesome God, leaving dents in this world on our way home to Heaven." That truly is my passion. And for someone who truly hates to ruffle feathers, when it comes to Kingdom stuff, I am one happy girl when I know I'm "ruffling." THAT is abundant life. I don't want to glide through my time on this earth without disturbing anything. I want the Kingdom of God to be advanced because He was gracious to use me and I was onboard with being used. I want to leave an inheritance of love and faith and trust in a mighty God to my children and to all who come after us, that they may leave dents with their hands as well. Beautiful.

Is this your passion, too? Or has it just been too easy to be a water strider?

Completely Content, Until...

Tonight we were out at a restaurant where Trevor discovered the deliciousness of strawberry milk.

Then later when I offered him good old naturally white milk (Always his beverage of choice), he refused it. "It doesn't taste as good now that I've had strawberry milk," he said.

Amazing how we can be all about one thing until we get a taste of something else. Then all of a sudden, we're not content with what has been good enough all along.

I love, love, love my house. When I'm home, I honestly don't want for more. But there was a time a few years back when we looked at model homes a lot, and when I came home, I'd look at my house through different eyes. Discontent eyes. Which is why I don't look at model homes anymore.

It's why I trash the Pottery Barn catalog when it comes rather than browsing through the pages. Because all of a sudden, I find myself aware of things I never knew I didn't have.

It's why I stay out of the mall. Because I am extremely thankful for our Goodwill wardrobe, and I don't want to begin thinking I need something new.

Lord, breed gratitude and contentment in our hearts rather than contempt for what used to be plenty.

Just Like Kudzu

Never heard of it? Neither had I until we moved to the south seven years ago.

Now I see it daily. It's beautiful, lush, and green, green, green--A stunning sight for a valley girl from California.

But it turns out there's a lot more to kudzu than meets the eye. You see, like a creeping vine, it wraps itself around trees and plants, covering them with its beauty. But what's going on underneath is the choking out of the life of what's beneath it. It prevents the sun's light from reaching and nourishing what desperately needs it to be sustained. One website said kudzu is "deceptive about its true yield, especially to those who do not know it well."

Every month I read through Proverbs, one chapter a day. So every 5th, 6th, and 7th of the month I read through Proverbs 5, 6, and 7. And so over the months and years I've come to know a certain woman described in these three consecutive chapters...

...A woman who is a lot like kudzu.

Pleasing to the eye. Seemingly verdant. And ultimately, extraordinarily dangerous.

It's said her lips drip honey and her speech is smoother than oil. She is captivating and beautiful.

And then she's persuasive and seductive. And, for comparison's sake, deceptive about her true yield.

And then once one is close enough to see her well, she is revealed for who she is:

Bitter. Sharp. Thoughtless. Cruel. Predator. Loud. Defiant. Full of crafty intent. Lurking. Brazen.

And by the time he sees it all for what it is, the object of her pursuit finds himself

Groaning. Spent. Corrected. Disciplined. Ensnared. Led astray. Burned. Scorched. Punished. Destroyed. Required to pay. Shamed. Like an ox going to his slaughter. On a highway to death.

Lord Jesus, have mercy. This scenario is rampant, and real, and no one is above temptation. Strengthen your daughters to be pure and to sincerely want what glorifies You. And protect Your sons from women with impure intent. There's just way too high a price to pay.

Apart From You

I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord;

apart from You I have no good thing"

(Psalm 16:2).

good (towb):

Apart from You I have no beautiful thing.

Apart from You I have no best thing.

Apart from You I have no bountiful thing.

Apart from You I have no "at ease" thing.

Apart from You I have no cheerful thing.

Apart from You I have no fine thing.



Then there's John 15:5 when Jesus says, "I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do NOTHING."

Nothing. Never. No. Cannot. Nay. Nowhere. None. Without.

Without, indeed! Because if apart from Him there is no beautiful thing...no best thing...no bountiful thing...nothing at ease...no cheerful thing...no fine thing...now that is truly to live without!

To live apart from Him is to do without. But to remain in Him? Beauty. Bounty. Cheer. At ease. His best! :)

Hidden Victory

This morning I was reading Proverbs 2 and loved this passage:

He holds victory in store for the upright,
He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for He guards the course of the just
and protects the way of His faithful ones.

I was intrigued by the words "in store." So when I looked up the translation from Hebrew, there was a common thread:

lays up
hides
keeps in a secret place

In store. We had a storage unit out in California for awhile. Plenty of stuff in there, but hidden away behind a storage door. There waiting for us, but tucked away.

I don't know about you, but I could use some victory. And to think that it is in store--even though it is currently laid up, hidden, and kept in a secret place--it brings new hope.

Because victory--though hidden--awaits.

I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on

There will be an end to these struggles,

but until that day comes

Still I will praise You,

still I will praise You

"You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman

I Just Know Him As My Son

Yesterday I sat in the doctor's office with a lot of time to kill, so I passed the time by flipping through my medical chart. Okay, so I wasn't so much randomly flipping through my file as I was very intentionally looking in there for anything I could find about March 20, 2007.

That was the day I was blindsided to find out the son I was carrying no longer had a heartbeat.

I found the ultrasound pictures and just stared at them. From the still shots, you couldn't tell anything had gone wrong, because there was a baby. There just wasn't a heartbeat. I cried as I looked at the pictures.

But it was much more difficult to read the medical report following the surgery I'd had the following day. It was so cold, so clinical.

It referred to my baby as "products of conception."

I absolutely get the fact that they have to use medical terms. But what they called "products of conception," I only knew as my child. The one I wanted to name and hold. The one I hoped to play with and pray over.

MY SON.

It made me consider the heart of my Heavenly Father who watched as a crowd crucified His child. They accused Him, they ridiculed Him, and they said He was a blasphemer.

But the Father knew exactly who Jesus was--the King of Kings. The Messiah. The Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. But in those moments when He watched His own child breathe His last, I wonder if He looked upon Jesus and thought...

"I just know Him as My Son."

Never Meant to Carry It

When we come home from the grocery store, I always insist on having the kids carry in one of the grocery bags to help me out.

And for some reason, they always insist on carrying the heaviest ones!

So there I am, easily carrying the bag with the loaf of bread while my children struggle with the bag with the large jug of juice. And as much as I try to get them to trade me, they refuse.

Seems crazy to me.

And yet Jesus recognized this tendency in you and in me when He declared in Matthew 11, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (v. 28-30).

So just as I try to convince my little children to trade their heavy bags for my light ones, Jesus bids us to come and TRADE YOKES with Him. We're urged to cast our cares upon Him, because waiting for us in the exchange is his light and easy burden.

It's exhausting carrying the things we were never meant to carry.

So when are you going to take Him up on His offer to trade yokes?